Diary of Mrs S Claus, December 2021
1st December; Busy season starts badly. Resignation letter from Dasher. Offered $10,000 “Golden Handshake” from rival reindeer delivery company. No questions asked on experience. Won’t give HR reference if asked. Happy when Blitzen left to follow his long-held dream of becoming a DJ, but not giving references for reindeer who want to do sleigh-work elsewhere.
2nd December; Spent day getting to grips with staffing problems. With Dasher and Blitzen gone, plus the ongoing investigations into Cupid’s inappropriate behaviour with other reindeer (#RETOO), we could be 3 down this Christmas.
4th December; Voice-mail from Greta Thunberg. Accuses North Pole Inc of the usual “blah, blah, blah” on climate change. Remind Santa that this all stems from the present mix-up back in 2011. Greta got Prince Abdullah Junior’s Mini-Ducati (with stabilisers), whilst the young Prince got the hemp building kit. Massive consequences on both sides.
5th December; Call from Cousin Krampus down South. Even grumpier than usual. Seriously worried about outcome of COP 26 and the agreed “phase-down” of coal. Apparently his online delivery service (Kramazon Inc.) has massive carbon footprint, because of all the coal / cinders he delivers to all the naughty girls and boys. Give me a break. Must be so tough delivering one product only, without any meaningful competition and with zero-rated Antarctica Corporation Tax. Slammed phone down. Angry.
7th December; Good news from British Government. Green light given for foreign sleigh drivers (plus reindeer) to deliver throughout December. Will allow us to fill the 2-3 vacant reindeer positions. Will probably go Polish. Good workers – solid reputation. Plus most of them already members of the RHA (Reindeer Haulage Association). Slightly worried how the likes of Jaroslaw and Wojciech will scan in the “Night Before Christmas” poem though.
9th December; Really up against it. Product shortages beginning to bite and Present Prackers showing unusual discipline and refusing to increase output. Elves now rationed to only 3 slivers of sellotape per toy. Easy enough on boxed goods, but very tricky on balls, bikes and skateboards.
10th December; Update from shipping agents. Still no progress on Ever Given / Suez Canal lost containers. 600,000 virtual reality headsets and 1.5m fidget spinners still unaccounted for – somewhere in the Indian Ocean. Compounding present shortage situation. Might have to pass this one to Krampus.
11th December; More bad news. Court proceedings taken up against North Pole Inc. by Eco-Vego-Yogo campaigners. Case will go ahead in the new year. Accusation is that young children were forced to unknowingly increase their carbon footprint over the last 1,000 years via Christmas present delivery. New child opt-in clause will be required going forward. 2bn children on earth, so big admin job plus GDPR nightmare. Told Santa. Absolutely raging.
12th December; Increasingly worried about Rudolph’s attitude. Very distracted by social media profile. Surely there are only so many red nose selfies that a reindeer can take? Other reindeers are also beginning to laugh at him, call him names and not let him join in any reindeer games. Worrying and bad for sleigh morale.
14th December; Gas bill arrived…WTF (What the Fuel)?! Prices trebled and previous supplier now gone bust. DECC (Dept for Eating Christmas Cake) have stepped in and moved our supplies to 4F Corporation (Fags, Fossil Fuels & Firearms). Enquired about green tariff. Told to 4F off. Migraine.
16th December; Job application from Gaz Oil – local Gas Co sales rep, who lost his job when supplier went under. Want to help – decent guy, but stuck in the past and the intellect of a toothbrush. Tricky.
17th Dec; Present shortage now alleviated. Intervention from OPEC (Organisation for Present Exporting Countries).
18th December; Email from HMRC (Her Majesty’s Revenue for Christmas). Confirms tax on construction fuels will be quintupling in the new year. Red Dwarf (Elf Shop Steward) – always crotchety at this time of year – says its “green grandstanding” and that DECC (Department of Eating Christmas Cake) will struggle to enforce.
19th December; Letter reading department has returned correspondence from a de Pfeffel Johnson (aged 57½) at 10 Downing Street in London. Red marker at top from letter checkers saying “NOT CLEAR WHAT THIS CHILD WANTS”. Read through indecipherable letter 4 or 5 times. Lots of crossings-out, smudges, long-words, Latin quotes and a pencil sketch of Wonder Woman. But sure enough no actual requests for presents. Clearly a very absent minded individual and not a problem we often deal with. Send letter back.
20th December; Another call from Krampus. Wants to diversify away from cinders and has offered to take over delivery of cheap plastic toys that break by 11am on Christmas morning. Not a bad suggestion actually. Always been a PR nightmare for us and much more aligned with Kramazon values.
21st December; Flyer through from Club Tropicana, Guelph. Blitzen now resident DJ for the Christmas Party season – spinning the desks as “DJ Flash”.
23rd December; Things beginning to come together now. Complete and intense focus from Santa. Totally different to how the media present him.
25th December; Job done. Another triumph. Honestly don’t know how we do it year after year. Santa watching Die Hard. I’m going to treat myself to a big bottle of Yukon Jack. Happy Christmas one and all!